Phrank: I changed shells yesterday. My new shell? Green. The color green is awesome, much like myself. Therefore it is only fitting that I have that color shell. Sure, you may think that I just took a page out of Sephiroth's book, but that's not true! He is the one who stole the idea from me in the first place. I was planning to change shells and then he overheard me speaking aloud about that and thought, "What an awesome idea! Just like Phrank! I shall steal it!" **makes note to not speak of awesome things anymore** And now Sephiroth is in my old hideaway, the Cave of Lust. How un-awesome of him...

Sephiroth: Phrank is not awesome. I totally didn't steal his idea. I did it first! I'm better! Clearly. And I've done it twice. Therefore I am better than Phrank. I decided to stay in the Cave of Lust for a bit, though. Hiding out in darkness seems to be good for my crabbiness. The Cave of Lust is not as lustful as I thought it would be. Not while my hoes are being all not-in-here. Although I guess that doesn't really give me any excuse to not be lustful. It is quite easy to lust over another hermit crab (or Jesus Darth Vader) even when they are not present. Especially since it would be slightly difficult to meet Darth Vader inside the Cave of Lust. Maybe he'll send some Storm Troopers to come get me from the Crabitat. And then they'll bring me back to Darth Vader and we'll take part in some hot bestiality. It shall be fuuuuuuuuuuuuuun times like you will not believe. Mmmmmmmmmm, Darth Vader. Too bad he can't fit in the Cave of Lust, really. The Cave of Lust makes everyone much more...lusty. Mmmmmmmmm...Darth Vader...in his black cape...and that suit that emphasizes his muscular Sith-like muscles and whatnot....**lustful thoughts**

Елена: Sephiroth kicked me out of the Cave of Lust today. I am very sad. I was so sad about it, I had to go bury myself in the ground. You know, the ground is that sandy part of the Crabitat? I think there is forty-nine point two-five pounds of ground in here, actually. I could be wrong, though. That's what too much time in the Cave of Lust can do to a mind. Especially one as simple as a hermit crab. By the way, I am a hermit crab.

Юля: Life sucks. I want to die. The Crabitat is not an unhappy enough place for me to end my misery. And then Sephiroth went into the Cave of Lust. Life's not fair. I wanted to go into the Cave of Lust with Елена. But now Sephiroth's in there and I can't be in there because it's too lusty for anyone to go in there with him. Except Phrank. He's awesome like that. Not to mention he totally dominates the relationship of Sephrank, even though his name comes last in the shipping. But that doesn't mean anything because Phrank is awesome. I want to kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiss him and looooooooooooooooove him and maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarry him. But only after a few hours in the Cave of Lust with Елена.

Today we, Gary's crabs, decided to have lots of crabby fun in our crabitat.

Phrank: I decided that molting like that just wasn't for me. Instead, I dug myself out, much to the happiness of Gary. He was happy the I wasn't dead from suffocating underneath forty-nine point two-five pounds of sand. I buried myself under all of that sand, remember? So I went and dug myself another niche underneath the Cave of Lust. I have yet to decide if I'm going to molt this time, or just lead Gary to believe that I'm going to die. Again. Because I am awesome like that. Also, I am holding the Cave of Lust's weight up with my shell. Here's hoping that I don't get crushed and end up with a hole, similar to that that was in Sephiroth's ORIGINAL shell. Stupid unawesome being that shares a name with a certain STD...

Sephiroth: Today I decided to stay in the same shell for more than a few hours. It was boring. Phrank was awesome. Hopefully I'll be the proud father of a few baby hermit crabs in a few days. Yay.

Елена: I actually moved out of the Cave of Lust today! It was frightening as hell and I never want to do it again. **crawls back into the cave** **sees that Phrank is here** **crawls into corner furthest away from him** **antisocial and emo like whoa**

Юля: I was antisocial today. Life sucks. Maybe tomorrow I'll find something emo to do, like listening to emotional music that induces lots and lots of sadness, just like everything else. None of my tank-mates understand the black abyss that is my life.
Phrank, Sephiroth, Елена, and Юля

The Highly Interesting Saga of Gary's Crabs

Phrank, Sephiroth, Елена, and Юля are hermit crabs. Until around two thirty PM Eastern Time on Wednesday, December twenty-seventh, two thousand-and-six, they lived in a rather small terrarium in Petco, with, like, thirty other hermit crabs. They got fed on a set schedule and never had any privacy. That was until Gary walked into Petco with the intention of purchasing hermit crabs. After going through a careful selection process that was very selective, they were put into a small cardboard box with a slightly damp paper towel at the bottom and shut into the dark with each other for company. They were shaken around for a few hours as Gary explored the various stores and whatnot of St. Augustine.

After being introduced to approximately eight frillion shopkeepers, they were brought home to Gary's house. There, the four hermit crabs were transferred into brightly colored hamster balls that were their own, personal, brightly colored hamster balls while Gary set up their knew home: a ten-gallon fish aquarium with approximately forty-nine point two five pounds of sand in it. Various decorative things for hermit crabs to hide around, underneath, and on top of were arranged in the aforementioned forty-nine point two five pounds of sand. It was great fun, being in their own brightly colored personal hamster balls, while clumsy big-foots tripped over them constantly, sending the unfortunate crustaceans careening into a large black abyss of misery happiness and unicorns.

Once their home was finally ready, on account of Gary and his boyfriend, Dakota being distracted by each other's hot bods slow people when it came to setting up hermit crab homes, the wondiferous hermit crabs were moved yet again, this time from their brightly colored personal own hamster balls, that were being employed by hermit crabs rather than hamsters, as they were intended to be used by. Right away, each hermit crab found their own favorite spot in the sandy abyss aquarium. Елена went into a cave and kind of stayed there with the intention of being an anti-social emo hermit. Forever. Юля slowly moved her slow ass to a sandy area behind the decorative, fake log that is kind of actually real that Gary had put in the aquarium so that the hermit crabs could cuddle and make babies in private, even though it was really for climbing, and the hermit crabs preferred to make babies in the darkness of the cave.

Meanwhile Phrank went skinny-dipping in his bowl of water, and then hid himself in a niche in His Log of Awesomeness. Why? Because his name is Phrank, you stupid person. Clearly such a wondiferous name would allow him to do such awesome things, like hiding after skinny-dipping and contaminating his friends' water. Because he's awesome like that. By the way, he was named by Andrea, after her phish, Phrank. Phrank the Phish is best phriends with the other phish, Phranque and Shaniqua. They are also made of lots of awesome--seventeen types, to be exact.

And then there was Sephiroth. He did un-awesome things like raping everyone, even though everyone knows that Phrank (the hermit crab) was really the one who topped. He decided that he would move around all of the spare shells. When everyone left the room, he got naked and switched shells--twice. Because that's how freaking un-awesome and confusing he is. Since then, he's been in the same shell for approximately twenty-four hours, a little less, though. How un-awesome is that? Clearly not as awesome as Phrank, who is awesome.

Speaking of Phrank, he is currently molting. Hopefully he can breathe underneath all the sand that he is currently buried underneath. It caved in once fatass Юля dug herself a trench right above him, so she could start molting, which she is currently in the process of doing. Still, not as awesome as Phrank, who is awesome. It is apparent that she was molting just to be like Phrank, that Gary might think that she was as awesome as Phrank. Because Phrank is awesome and all hermit crabs strive to be like him, even Sephiroth. But not Robert, because Robert is stupid and not awesome. By the way, Robert is behind the facade The Captain's. Therefore, SO NOT AWESOME.

In the future thirty years, all of these hermit crabs will live happy lives in the home of Gary. Except Robert. Hopefully Gary will remember to feed them and stuff. They got eggshells today. Are those even edible, because seriously, eggshells. They don't eat commercially produced hermit crab food because it isn't that good for them. Except Phrank can eat whatever the hell he wants because he is awesome like that.

The end.